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Friday, November 13, 2009

haunted

careless mistakes, are deadly. :(

this whole week has been on auto mode it seemed.
it has started off with a really demoralising note, but ended off getting 'better'.
somehow deja vu as i was typing this, it reminded me of my o levels, just like a yo-yo, bad-good-good-okay, something like that.

at the least, the 'major' papers were over.
at the most, the game is yet to be over.
currently, i am not confident of any As as yet. lofty wishes, considering the amount of effort i put in compared to many others. but i really do hope for some As. please, god, please saint jude.

i haven't been sleeping really well, but not too tired that i cannot manage the papers.

i haven't been thorough enough.
its damn sickening and damn sian.
the questions that i know how to do yet did wrongly at that moment kept replaying in my head. and how i could have been more careful, more enlightened at that moment.
if only we could turn back time, just for that single moment.

its a little too late to realise, once the time is up.
(realising how this line is pretty much pun intended.)

i dreamt that i was in denial.
till that i went in late for a three hour paper near an hour late.
it is pretty ridiculous, but i somehow just woke up from it.
it was only 5.30 am when i check my phone.
the alarm has yet to ring, but i woke up quite a few times prior to it.
and when its time for me to wake up, i just clung onto the warm bed, a little while longer.

the papers have been manageable.
now i worry for the ones that has yet to come, since its 'easy'', i wouldn't think they would set it easy for us again logically.
different opinions from different people, some people found it a little tricky, a little hard while some like me regret on our past mistakes.

teachers always said it is better to commit the mistakes during other tests other than the a levels.
once it was done on the a level script, that is the end of it.
i realised, i may never have to do math sums ever again.
and what was right, or what was wrong, i need them no longer again.
why the hell couldn't i just get them right for i will never be doing them again.

time waits for no man.

i dreamt that what would happen if my brain decided to function on its own.
i wondered if i have a soul.
what if my body functions just like a typical cell where it undergoes death.
would i be able to think? i will have to stop functioning and die like the millions who died before me.
i tried to imagine how it would felt if i couldn't think anymore.
i tired to imagine how it would feel my body couldn't move as i want to.
i felt helpless, felt redundant.
(and that is where the god factor will come in logically)

some weeks ago, i dreamt that i was driving along some road. suddenly for some reason i have to do an emergency braking. i think i was cruising away pretty quickly or something, and there is this big thing in front. so instead of stopping, like normal cars will. i think my car flew over because of such a huge impact of build-up momentum that causes the car to just topple over.
just imagine you are running very fast and you have to stop, the energy that you build up has nowhere to go just shoots out somewhere, either you skid to a stop, or you stop and break fall that kind stuff. i just keep dreaming that i flew over, but i remain fine.

i do not know, if these dreams are premonition or just a dream.
if they are, i am screwed basically.

but you know, sometimes they say its better having to remember a dream because most of the time, they wouldn't happen.

my sub conscious is so negative.